For a little girl I've neither seen nor known yet loved as if my own.
It has rained heavily today. You did not know it, though. You were sleeping soundly beside me, oblivious of the world around you. And now you are asleep again- but no longer beside me. You are lying on soft earth which covers your body (and keeps you warm, I hope), under a little plant that marks your grave.
Others may not mind- after all you lived just for a day. But I do care, because I’ve known you all these months. You were alive, as far as I’m concerned, for the nine months that I’ve carried you in my womb. Inside me, you’ve breathed and your little heart has beat and you tiny body has moved. I’ve talked with you, cradled you in me and I’ve thought of you before doing everything -I was worried how my movements may affect you. And now after all that care and attention, after months of wondering whether it would be a boy or girl and thinking of names… after all that, you have left sooner than you had come.
Had you been born still, it wouldn’t have been this painful. It would have hurt, sure, but not this much. You have lived, though only for a day. And that one day, you haven’t left my side, no matter what you did. Whether you were sleeping, crying or being fed, you were beside me all the time. You have felt as secure beside me as you had within me. I was the only world that you knew. And I had thought of the day you’d start walking, holding my hands, your tiny steps faltering, unsure of what lay ahead but trusting me with your life… I had thought of all the stories I would tell you and the songs that would lull you to sleep, all the things we would do together, and all the things I would teach you… But all in vain! You’ve gone without knowing the colours of the world and the smell of nature. You’ve left without knowing what life is.
Your father, grieving as he is, is at a loss for words. As for your brother, he is still too young to comprehend death. He does not know that he has lost his little sister forever. But I- I feel the pain like no one else. One day you left my body, and the very next day you left my world… I haven’t yet adjusted to these facts. I feel so blank, so empty. What really is a mother without her child? Whom should I feed now; for whom am I bearing all the discomforts of giving birth? It seems like my life has lost its meaning… God save me!
I know you’ll be blessed with the fragrance of heaven. You were too young to do anything on your own, let alone commit sins. You hadn’t even started to live. So surely, God will honour you with a better life in Heaven. Only I’m left here to grieve your loss…I know that everything in life has a purpose. Even a flower of a day has its beauty. So may be your unexpected departure serves some purpose too great for me to even imagine. Whatever, I hope that you are resting in peace, my dear. I do hope the angels of heaven are guarding your little soul from darkness. And I love you, my dear, dear daughter. Wherever you may be, this mother’s heart is always praying for you.
[Written on 24 Aug 2008]
